Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
A Second Chance - Chapter 1 by Nimaru A Second Chance - Chapter 1 by Nimaru

It appears you don't have PDF support in this web browser. Download PDF

NEXT:
A Second Chance - Chapter 2 by Nimaru

Well... I've been planning this for a long time so it's time to start. This is my fictional story of one of my OC ponies (those that have read the Gathering Elements series might recognize her).

I decided to illustrate it in part both because I think it's cute and helps to set the stage, but also as another way of stretching myself artistically. Sketch art is fast, but can look good and is quick to do. Right now I'm shooting for one sketch per page.

As always, I promise nothing for regularity, only that this is one of many art projects I'll be working on for the time being :)

I'm requesting critiques for this one because I can use some help looking at the writing in different ways (unlike my art which I don't need anyone else's help to see how far I have to go).
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthejboy88:
In terms of the overall writing quality, this is some fine work. There was little to nothing in the way of spelling error or grammatical errors, at least none that I could see, and the whole thing read very well. Indeed, as I was reading I I never once felt bored or uninterested in what was happening. So in a purely structural sense, the fic does well so far.

Now, as this is the first of supposedly many chapters, it’s hard to really speak for the quality of the story as this is merely the start of it. Those unfamiliar with the writer’s character and their backstories might be confused as to who these characters are, how they fit into the world of MLP or, more importantly, why the reader should care.

But, to the writers credit, we get just enough information of the character of Rose Petal to be able to care enough about her to want to know what happens top her and here her story is going. Indeed, the same could be said of the new OC character whose been introduced in this first chapter. So on a character basis, the story also does well.

Being that this is the first time that this particular artist has taken to doing written stories as opposed to stories told in sequential art form (i.e. comics), there will, of course, be some stumbles here and there. Very little happens in this first chapter and on the whole there wasn’t anything here that I’d call “spectacular” or “eye-catching”. It is, at the end of the day, a story of an OC who finds another OC and they interact. But in defence of the writer, this is, after all, an introductory chapter, so it’s to be expected that very little will happen just yet.

In terms of originality, the idea of discovering an OC character with no memory is one that’s been used before. I’ve made one myself in fact. But as I’ve said many times now, just because a story idea has been used before doesn’t mean it’s can’t also be good in the hands of others. And this story is certainly proof of that as I found myself very interested in what was going on.

Overall this was a good, if not perfect, start to the story. There was enough in here to keep me interested in the character and curious enough to want to find out what happens next. I wish the writer good luck in producing more chapters like this and I thoroughly look forward to reading them.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconclonetrooperkev:
The story sets up an interesting scenario to be sure, and while I'm not a fan of pictures in stories, they supported the story rather than take away from it. You did a good job setting the atmosphere as well. Maybe that's from making comics. It sounded beautiful as you set up every part of the environment, from the mountains to the weeds. I'd say you could improve in providing background for new readers. While we, your fans, know the background, it might not hurt to provide a prologue of sorts for new readers. I'm very curious to see where this goes, and I'm going to have to implore you to put this story on FiMFiction. It's a quality story, and I would love to see it on there.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconmegabyte97:
megabyte97 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013
How did I miss this comic?
Reply
:iconexgallion:
Exgallion Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*Quote* Rose stopped, looked back at the mare grinning sheepishly from the ground, and sighed. Maybe I should have waited for the guard, she thought.*Quote*

One of the VERY few times you'll see Rose being (thinking?) mean.
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I wouldn't say mean per se, maybe just regretting that she's taken full responsibility for this when there was a different option ?
Reply
:iconexgallion:
Exgallion Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well it's the closest I've seen her get.
Reply
:iconnickyelric:
NickyElric Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I really like this. I wish i had found it sooner but better late then never i say! ^.^

Reply
:iconsamsamhim:
samsamhim Featured By Owner May 27, 2013
good storyline pics help a lot (thinks to himself why didn't i read this sooner then comes up with derp)
Reply
:iconsingapurastudio:
SingapuraStudio Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Professional General Artist
Well-written story! I'd love to see the rest unfold. :)
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks :D
Reply
:iconallanpike:
Allanpike Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hmmmm... interesting... I really don't know who that is. Can't think of anyone that can't walk.
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Can't walk? I can't see what my comment was so I'm lost now.
Reply
:iconallanpike:
Allanpike Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, she seems like she didn't know how to walk. You said people who've read your series might know who it is.
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh! You mean the main character. Yeah, she played a very bit part in the last page of my big comic series "Gathering the Elements". If you know that story, you know her and probably her name and cutie mark. This is her story.
Reply
:iconallanpike:
Allanpike Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*does research*

*ding* Heartsong. Correct?
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You got it :)
Reply
:iconallanpike:
Allanpike Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting... I wonder what her story is...
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, you're definitely going to find out! (assuming you read the story)
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconrachajem:
rachajem Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student General Artist
"She grinnedb at blooming flowers;"

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, so if it has, I apologize.

Other than that, I found it amazing!
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I haven't figured out how to update the post yet. I put in a support request about it, but I must be missing something... right? I can't be the only one who's tried to update a story.
Reply
:iconrachajem:
rachajem Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm sure others have been in this situation. And I honestly have no idea how to do any of that, so I'm afraid I can't help you. :p
Reply
:iconshygaladriel:
ShyGaladriel Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
I really like her. Looking forward to chapter 2!
Reply
:iconemperordaniel:
Emperordaniel Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Looking forward to seeing chapter two's release. :D
Reply
:icondevi-kami:
Devi-kami Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
Could it be that she was born yesterday? ;)
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
In a way :)
Reply
:iconfyre-medi:
Fyre-Medi Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
Lovely beginning. I did notice one typo not yet mentioned.
~~~~~
“OOF!” Again, but more insistently this time. The voice was high and a little musical; definitely belonging to a younger mare or perhaps a filly. Judging it safe, Rose head into the clearing for a better look.
~~~~~
The end should read, "Judging it safe, Rose headed into the clearing for a better look."
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Nice, thanks! You're right that you're the first to mention it. Any idea how to update PDF submissions to DA?
Reply
:iconfyre-medi:
Fyre-Medi Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
Unfortunately not. I just tend to put my stuff in text but, I don't have the wonderful illustrations to contend with. Can you not simply replace it like you would an updated drawing?
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hoped so, but it doesn't seem that easy.
Reply
:iconshadowilinise:
shadowilinise Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Student General Artist
oh please pleaseeee!! make a drawing of the unknown white pony!
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well that shouldn't be hard: She's right here (spoiler alert! It has her cutiemark): [link]
Reply
:icondevi-kami:
Devi-kami Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
Yep, I thought so. :)
Reply
:icondevi-kami:
Devi-kami Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
I remembered you talking about a pony that took a REALLY long time to find her cutie mark. :)
Reply
:iconshadowilinise:
shadowilinise Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Student General Artist
oh found her already :D!! after writting the comment I remembered you drew Hearsong and said you had plans for her in a fanfiction XD

She is BEAUTIFUL
Reply
:icondevi-kami:
Devi-kami Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
This phrase was somewhat unclear, "Even less would venture this far and none of those alone." Otherwise I can see why you hadn't posted anything for awhile. You've been busy! I loved how you set the stage for this story. The sketches definitely added to the story and were wisely chosen. You set up a feeling of curiosity around the characters from the beginning which invites one to care about them immediately and want to know more. At the same time, you do not reveal anything too soon. I love how Rose petal looks "menacingly" at the weeds. It says something about her personality.
Overall well paced, beautiful use of language without burdening it with unnecessary detail. Well done! Now where's the next one....?
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Who can say. I can only work on 10 things at once :D
Reply
:icondevi-kami:
Devi-kami Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
Take your time. I'm just kidding. :)
Reply
:icontirramirr:
Tirramirr Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, really nice! I only found one spelling error "She grinnedb at blooming flowers;"
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I've fixed that now, but I can't figure out how to update the story :(
Reply
:icontirramirr:
Tirramirr Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hm, that's odd >>
Reply
:iconjumpitydude:
jumpitydude Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
I love how you did this. Not many people consider enhancing their stories with art, but you're great with both. It's nice to see this sort of combination. I also love the picture at the end, with the mystery mare falling on her face and Rose giving an, "Are you serious?" look.
Reply
:iconircriket:
ircriket Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm having trouble reading this.
wuts with the PDF?
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Several people suggested it as being the most efficient way to post it. If you're having trouble with it online, what about making it fullscreen or just downloading it to read it? One of those should work...
Reply
:iconircriket:
ircriket Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Student General Artist
how do I make it full screen?
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
There's a download link on the right. If you download it to your computer, you should be able to read it in your normal PDF reader.
Reply
:iconircriket:
ircriket Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Student General Artist
thanks
Reply
:icondemosthenes-101:
Demosthenes-101 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
Just a few spelling errors and some words switched out of place which I am sure you'll be able to find if you read it over after awhile. I found the dialogue enjoyable for sure. Story-wise I am nothing short of hooked and eagerly await the next chapter as I have so many questions about our mystery mare! :D Well done great brony! :w00t:
Reply
:iconhoshizaku:
Hoshizaku Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
hmm

I'm interested.

At least by that measure, this is a literary success
Reply
:iconyayleo:
yayleo Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Student Writer
HEEEEEEEEEEY

One of my fanfictions has this name too! =D

Except it's about VG Cats, notnies ^^'
Reply
:iconzabuza776:
zabuza776 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
I can't see anything. All it shows is a blank screen. Maybe it's because I'm using a Mac.
Reply
:iconnimaru:
Nimaru Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The file download button doesn't work?
Reply
:iconzabuza776:
zabuza776 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
Nope. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×
Download PDF download, 819 KB


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
January 4, 2013
File Size
819 KB
Link
Thumb
Embed

Stats

Views
4,845 (1 today)
Favourites
67 (who?)
Comments
88
Downloads
180
×